The path......

Feel like it's been too long since I've blogged, unfortunately.

It has been a pretty hectic August and September so far. This week has been somehow extra stressful and has taken a bit of a huge emotional toll on me. So much so that I seem to 'think' I deserve everything that is on my 'sometimes' or 'rarely' list to eat. Like cake, chips, chocolate....take away, etc, etc. I could go on all day. As a result I have put on 7.5 kgs. I want to get back to what I was. Seems so close, yet so far away.

Regardless of my out of control eating and emotional eating I think there are some good reasons or on reflecting at least some half good excuses? to my overeating? My friend died. Suddenly, unexpectedly and so unfairly (as is always the case!). However I have comfort that is was very quick and whilst it was unexpected with how quick it was I can assume it was pretty painless (I'm hanging onto that at the moment!). Makes me realise how people come into your life for a reason, it might be a long time, a short time or a once off, but they still come into your life for a reason. I think Karin's reason was to give me strength, courage and most of all know that we are never alone no matter how alone we feel. I miss you already, so much Karin. R.I.P Karin. xoxo

The other difficult but more bearable day was Father's Day. It was difficult more so because the family got together, ate pizza, brothers and sisters fought and nothing was mentioned about Dad at all. I had my 'own' little time for him during the day by myself on reflection. I miss him so very much. Next year for Father's Day think I'll do something special that will remind me even more so of my Dad. Go somewhere we use to go together or something like that. I also wonder if time really does heal your pain? I'm hoping so.

So there has been a bit going on. On the upnote I'm going to Sydney in 6 days for 5 days. I'm looking forward to the break before I start the 'new' job. I know I need it. I know I want it. Isn't it amazing how when you are going away you start to think "bugger, why couldn't I have been 10 kgs lighter" or "bugger, why couldn't I have been the weight I wanted to be at". Oh well.....on the upside....at least I'm still here to have those thoughts. At least I'm still here to complain, whinge, cry, laugh and sigh. I'm still here.

I'll keep persevering. I know I will. The path ahead might look bumpy, unbearable and might continue to feel like it's never going to come up, but just when you feel overwhelmed by the thrashing waves, the tide turns. I know it will get better. No matter how bumpy the path gets....I won't stop walking it!

Where have I been?

Where have I been???

Busy....so it seems.

It's been a while since I've blogged and I feel like it's the time now that I really need to. Lots of different emotions going on. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster ride, one minute I'm on a high, the next I feel like I've hit rock bottom. But.....I'm still hanging on tight and not letting go and taking the good with the bad.

The Good:

1. I got a new job starting mid September on a new Unit at the hospital I work at.
2. I'm doing a short course to help discover my spirituality a bit more and enjoying meeting new people and learning more about the important people in my life.
3. I joined Fernwood.........back to exercisinga and being accountable.
4. My beautiful best friend is pregnant.
5. I'm going to the Gold Coast (almost definitely) in September.
6. I bought a Wii.
7. I got a blog award from my dear friend Trish.

The not so Good:

1. My sister refused the Pink ticket I gave her for her birthday and gave me back the ipod I also bought her. I was shattered. I didn't end up going to Pink, but was able to get my money back on the tickets and wait to see if she changes her mind about the ipod (ticket money helped pay for my wii).
2. I'm not very motivated in going to Fernwood....however, I know it's only me that can change this.
3. I've put on a total of 8 kgs......but I'm going to work my bootie off to get to under 100 kgs.
4. My beautiful friend who is pregnant is going to live in New Zealand with her husband.....I feel loss....but so much pride and love as well.

Otherwise just been busy with everything else that is going on. Working a little bit more and trying to focus on planning my food and my exercise. However even though I write my 'exercise times' in my diary, can't seem to stick to them. Anyone have any tips? Not sure why I struggle with this so much.

I also feel honoured to receive a blog award. So going to nominate some people who have inspired me, motivated me, been patient, caring, kind and understanding. Thank you.

(not sure how to link the names to blogs, but will try later).

Trish - for being understanding, patient and caring. I'd be lost without your words of encouragement and motivation. Thank you.

Kathie- for being caring, kind, loving and understanding. And for answering any questions I fire at you with honesty and love. Thank you.

Nat - for your inspirational blog and for saying something that may seem brief and simple, but has an everlasting heartfelt affect on me. Thank you

Kellie- for inspiring me and for encouraging me and most of all for understanding me. For not giving up on me. Thank you.

Jo - for being so down to earth, fun and easy going, but at the same time so caring. Thank you

Shazz - for being interested in how I'm going and for supporting me with the emails you send me. They mean a lot. Thank you.

Tina - for being so kind and understanding and for being so heartfelt and compassionate in my times of difficulty. Thank you

Sam - for being supportive and encouraging and popping up (by email or facebook) at exactly the right time when I need encouragement. Thank you

Sue - for being interested in what is going on with me, but for being understanding and although we don't have a lot of contact, you certainly put a smile on my face when I read your emails. Thank you.

You all inspire me and help keep me going. You all touch my heart in a different but beautiful way. Thank you.

Path of destruction!

Wasn't a great night tonight. Went shopping and found an hour later I had consumed a 100 gram packet of chips, 6 mini mud muffins, 3 teddy bear biscuits and nearly a whole 1.25 litre bottle of diet coke.

WHY??? Why you ask? I have been suffering from terrible headaches and fatigue that I've never experienced before. To the point of having 10-12 hour sleeps and then after being up and hour or two feeling like I need to lie down again. It has been terrible. After discussion with a friend (a nurse also), it was thought that I had really serious withdrawal symptoms because I'd gone from 1-2 litres of diet coke to absolutely zip! My friend suggested perhaps cutting down a bit slower. So I thought, what the heck, I'll go get some diet coke and get rid of these headaches once and for all.

Thing is.....realised that I've just had a major binge and my body certainly is not thanking me for it. Today I weighed in at 130.4 kgs. Which means I've put on 7kgs. So something is going wrong with my eating. I wondered whether my binge tonight was self sabotage of 'Oh well, I've put on weight, what the heck!'.

Think I'll have to get back to ww meetings. I'm going to get back to basics. I have not had chips and 'mud cake' in so long that perhaps I was feeling deprived, maybe that is why I binged......however there is no excuse. The damage is down now. I have to live with it, move on and get back to getting into shape.

A new day, a new beginning.

Buggered, Battered and Bring it on!

It's been an exhausting weekend. I've had to work night duty at work, which obviously puts my body clock way out of being in the 'normal' range. Today has marked reaching over the 1 week mark of having no diet coke. Instead I'm drinking lots of diet mineral water, water and tea. Seem to be coping. Still feel I need something 'sweet', but cravings are no where near as bad as they were, so thinking diet coke had something to play in that.

I'm addicted to muesli bars at the moment. Don't know hot to get off them or to get ones that are a good substitute. Weight watchers has recommended that go for soup or something 'filling' instead of museli bars, but I'm finding that difficult. Thinking maybe a muesli weight watchers slice is the way to go and might be a bit better than 1.5-3 point musli bars.

I'm starting to get in the habit of wanting to eat 'healthier'. I got up after sleeping 4 hours from my night duty today and after going to do some shopping felt like I was about to faint. Every fast food shop that passed I was looking at thinking what could I have to stop me feeling nauseated and to fix my energy level....but I didn't go in. Instead had a fun size milky way, picked nephew up from school and made a salad sandwich followed by an apple. Was quite surprised and 'proud' of myself. Don't remember really ever doing this. Something to feel good about.

My house has no chips,no biscuits, no ice cream, a few fun size frozen milky ways and no musli bars. It feels alright too, however am going to persevere with finding a good alternative to musli bars. Why do I love them so much? Don't really know.

Fernwood went well last week. Did a weight session last Friday and am still sore from it. It's good though. Made me realise how much I miss it, so will persevere with going. Got to get back into it. Fernwood scales and Wii scales showed I'd put on 5 kgs, not sure if it had something to do with TTOM or something else. But keep persevering and I know I'll get there.

In the meantime taking it one day at a time. The diet coke demon is still around, but it's getting smaller and disappearing a bit more which is great. I know still might be tough, but I'm getting there. One day at a time.

Rollercoaster ride

It's amazing how your day can truly be a rollercoaster ride.

I went to Fernwood tonight / this afternoon. I ended up doing cardio for 55 minutes and truly forgot how exhausting working out was. I was buggered, could not even do another 5 minutes. After 35 minute mark I was wondering if I could go on, but I pushed myself. Felt quite good about myself, what I had achieved and had that "I'm back" feeling.

Then a few issues occurred when I got home. I'm not going to go into it. But can only say that sometimes what may seem like something that is said can really hurt you until you feel like you want to cry and wonder why you keep trying.

I wondered.....why do I bother? why do I persevere? why do I seem to always stuff things up? WHY? WHY? WHY?.........and you know what, I had these thoughts for about 1 minute and thought, NO! I'M WORTH MORE!

SO today has been a rollercoaster ride, but I'm not going to let people upset me to a point where I continually question myself. I'm worth more than that. I'm learning that I need to believe in myself. No one else can do it for me. I know there are some wonderful people (friends) in my life who have been so supportive, helpful, patient and even forgiving. I'd be lost without them and I'm thankful.

So I say, bring on the Rollercoaster ride, because I'm ready to ride it and there may be times that I feel it is in a continual spiral downwards, but....I'm patient, I'll wait....because in the end what goes down must come up!

DIET COKE DEMON!

Today, I felt it more than ever. Not having the diet coke. I have felt terrible, had a thumping headache that just won't go away. Nurofen and increased water intake seemed to take the edge off it, but I really feel it was my body saying "Can I have just a bit of diet coke!" Answer..."HELL NO!!!". I'm looking forward to overcoming this hurdle and not having to worry about diet coke at all. It's taken it's toll. I've been in bed feeling nauseated and with a head ache most of the day, but I'm not giving up yet.

Sugar cravings are still hitting about dinner time, afterwards. I looked at the diet mineral water I was drinking and it seems it has the same preservative as diet coke (950 - aspartame), so it was ditched and replaced with a mineral water that has no preservatives. Only thing is that it has more calories, so am being more aware of that.

Been reading lots of Fernwood magazines, they remind me a lot of ww magazines and seem to focus on issues that all women have. Pretty good magazine.

Still have not made it to fernwood, but have it booked in my diary for tomorrow and have promised myself that I have to go. Also, notice that I'm procrastinating and self sabotaging when it comes to exercise. I'm glad I'm aware of it though. For example, tomorrow I have a class that I'm going to at Fernwood booked in my diary and already I'm saying "Oh, I haven't seen my nephews and nieces all week, I need to see them tomorrow night". At least I'm aware of what I'm doing and I've decided to put myself first. I'm going to that Fernwood class, my nephews and nieces are going to appreciate a more fitter, healthier Auntie at Summer time. I'm sure they will love that more than me giving up the exercise to spend some time with them.

Have to keep reminding myself that this is about me. No one, but me! It's sort of hard though at times. Because I'm really trying to practice this. It's just a change, a new challenge and with change it can be a bit difficult, but.....I'm not giving up yet....not ever!

So diet coke demon, I say, bring it on. I'm going to defeat you, I feel like I'm half way there.....and ultimately, my body is going to thank me for it!

I hope you dance....

I hope you dance. It's a song by Leanne Womack. Some of the words actually had some meaning for me.

I'm dancing. Sort of. In my own little way. Day 3 of no diet coke and I'm feeling pretty ordinary. Actually feeling really tired (no caffeine I'd assume), nauseated, shaky, dizzy and I feel like I want to vomit. But...on the upside I'm still going and persevering with this 'no diet coke challenge'.

Last night was going to test me. Thought I would surprise Mum and cook dinner at her house for her and my brother. Cooked pasta bake (Anne Syme recipe) and ww banana malteser muffin recipe. However, I changed the recipe a bit. I didn't put an egg in and didn't use any cream cheese or extra maltesers for the topping. To tell you the truth I didn't need it. It was my first attempt at this cake and it came out beautifully. I cut the cake into 16 pieces, which ended up making it 1.5 pts a piece. Pretty happy with that. Even had enough to freeze and to keep for me when I get the sweet cravings. Was proud that I didn't resolve to any chocolate, chips or ice cream eating. Well....it's because i know I can do it.

Yesterday I also joined Fernwood. Had a totally different feeling and I'm looking forward to going there to get myself back into exercise and re-motivate myself. A few changes are happening in my life. Something I realise I'm not very good at is committment. It can be a bit of a problem. At least I'm aware of this though. I'm willing to persevere with these changes and my goals. So far, so good.

I can do this!......I am doing this!

Excuses!

Excuses! That is what a lovely friend helped me realise I'd been making all along....all my life. Until today! My friend helped me realise that I had to stop blaming others for my life circumstances and give up the 'VICTIM' act!

I perhaps felt a little annoyed at first when I was reading this email. But then I realised that my friend was absolutely right! I'm thankful to my friend. After all she helped me realise that playing the 'VICTIM' act was not helping anyone, least of all myself.

Now I feel like I'm living by my affirmation of "I CAN DO IT!". It's working. I'm feeling more positive and feeling like I can do this. There have been times today where I just wanted some chocolate, some chips, some lollies......I wanted to go and buy them. I didn't though! I even went shopping and didn't buy diet coke. I'm on my last bottle and have decided after some encouragement from another great friend to 'kick it to the curb'. So instead I bought some diet mineral water. Will see how it goes. Thinking the first few days will be difficult, but you know what; 'I CAN DO IT!'. Just you watch me!

Also thought of some goals (short term) to have for the next few months:

1. To drink 2 litres of water a day.
2. To exercise 3 times a week.
3. To stop drinking diet coke.
4. To track everything I eat; regardless of it being good or not so good.
5. I WILL NOT GIVE UP...UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

Pretty happy with these goals. As I go along they may change a little. In the meantime am focusing on achieving these goals, but most of all to keep going. I'm going to do this! I know I can!

Today.....now.....this moment!

Today...now...this moment. I've promised myself that is what I'm going to focus on. Not what I should have done, not what I could do, but instead what I am going to do.

Have realised that I've been beating myself up because I've been feeling so confused about where my life is going and what I want to do. I've been feeling down because things don't seem to be going 'right' for me. But then reflecting...wondering if in fact I've really been trying much...or at all.

Yes eating is not great.....so start tracking. Throw what I can't say 'no' to in the bin.

Yes exercise is non existent....make an effort to do things more around the house and swap gym memberships / places.

Yes work is hard....I feel lost, confused...but I'm going to sit with that a bit longer and see where it goes. I can only keep trying to find work that I'm truly 'passionate' about.

From now on the "You can't do anything right" or the "No, that's too hard" or "I'm too tired" is not going to be part of my vocabulary anymore. Perhaps people think I'm feeling sorry for myself, perhaps people think I'm focusing too much on the "past".....well I might be....I probably am. It's easy when you feel 'down' to look at things as being 'black and white' and not really see the grey.

To tell you the truth I'm starting to realise that I'm missing out on too much. I don't want to miss out anymore not living my life to the fullest. I want to really start 'living'. It's only up to me. My attitude might change, I might still feel 'down' or 'unmotivated', but I'm going to come back to this post and remind myself that the only person that can really help me is ME!

I can do this! I will do this! Just you watch me.

Update!

Not a lot to update unfortunately......I have been quite slack at posting. Keep thinking that perhaps people will read what I blog and then decided that this blog is really for no one but me.

So here goes. Life is running on 'neutral' at the moment. Good thing is I'm not in reverse and whilst I'm not in drive either I know I will be....soon.

Weight....up and down like a yo-yo. Today I ate half a loaf of bread. Something I have not done for a long time. Food does not seem to satisfy me anymore, not really that interesting, so I just eat whatever is quick and convenient. Hence why I have gone through half a loaf of bread. Have I needed it....no. Did I want it....for some crazy reason yes. Actually to tell you the truth I think it's related to 'emotional eating'. I've got a lot going on I think, so somehow feel that 'food' will solve all of my problems. I've learnt from the past that food does NOT solve my problems, it really actually usually makes them worse. From tomorrow I've promised myself to stop before I eat. To drink less diet coke and to not buy anything that I may be tempted by eating too much of. (No chips, ice cream or chocolate in the house at the moment).

Exercise.......is non existent. But I'm sick of making excuses. "I can't exercise because of my knee", "I can't exercise because I have asthma", "I can't exercise because I'm too tired", "I can't exercise because my gym is full of men most of the time". "I CAN'T, I C'ANT, I C'ANT!!!" Sick of these thoughts, so from this day forth I promised myself that I'm going to do some sort of exercise. If it means going for a quick walk around the block well I've got to do it!

Mood.....has also been up and down. I feel drained, exhausted and feeling like I'm struggling to cope with what is going on in my head, which consequently can contribute to me feeling un-motivated. But I'm still plodding along and not totally giving up. I'm still getting out of bed, I'm still getting to work. I'm still making some sort of effort, so that has to count for something.

Work.....going as well as expected I suppose. Besides the fact that I truely feel like I'm not in the 'job' that I feel totally passionate about. Wondering what my options are. Wondering if I'll ever get that excited butterfly feeling in my tummy as I'm walking into work. I use to get that....a long time ago. I don't now, does that mean I shouldn't be a nurse. Does it mean I'm burnt out. Does it mean I will never get that feeling again? I'm not sure. Just tring to figure out what I'll do next. In the meantime have asked for guidance and wisdom. Hoping some light will be shed somewhere along the way.

Family........still full of ups and downs. Decided that I can't fix everyones problems and it isn't my job to fix everyones problems. I can only support them and love them the best way I know to. That is all I can do.

As an ending note.....bloody hell I miss you dad. I wonder if any of these obstacles / issues I've got in my life would be so big if you were just here. I want so badly to just ask you what I should do or just to have you listen. That always helped. I miss you dad.

That is my update. I'm promising myself to post more regularly and to get back on with it. To keep getting up when I fall over. Problem is I'm getting tired and don't know how much longer I can keep pushing myself up.

PINK!

Guess what......I've got Pink tickets, I'm so excited about it. It is going to be my sister's birthday present and I'm making sure that I don't say a word and keep it a real surprise. However, I'm not sure who will be more excited. Because to tell you the truth.....I'm excited indeed. Thing is, the tickets I could only get were standing tickets, which means for at least 4 hours my sister and I are going to be dancing, singing, screaming and jumping up and down as you do at concerts, lol.

At first I was worried when I realise what tickets I had to get. I was worried about my knee, my sister's back (standing so long),but know that with life comes once in a lifetime opportunities and I feel like this is one of those opportunities.

I promised myself that I would lose a few kgs before the concert just to feel a bit better. However.....having a lot of problems at the moment with binge eating. Why? Can't put my finger on it at the moment. Just know that it's more out of control than ever.....to the point that it is nearly happening every night. I know that binging on crackers, vegie sticks, biscuits and a few small pieces of chocolate is a lot different to the old days of binging on ice cream, chips, chocolate, cake, Mc Donalds, but still am not happy with how I'm feeling about this situation. It is only me that can change it though, isn't it.

My friend excercise seems to be on a holiday. I don't know where he has gone. He has disappeared totally. I try to make appointments with him in my diary, but I can't stick to them so hence exercise continues to be missing in my life which seems to be spiraling a bit out of control at the moment in regards to food and exercise. I wanted to tell exercise if he could make it any easier to come back. What can I do to welcome him back? Seems appointments in my diary are not working. Most of all I wanted to ask him why he left? Why I let him leave? Why I continue to ensure he stays on his holiday? Answer: I don't bloody know! However, what I do know though is that from now on I'm making sure I see him at least once a week. Maybe that will help our relationship a bit more and ensure he stays around a little longer. I know it is only up to me, only I can change my exercise and eating pattern, to tell you the truth, Pink might have just come in at the right time.

Pink might just help get me reaquainted with Exercise.

Thanks Pink! I know the next few weeks are going to be challenging, but I'm up for that. After all, challenges are life aren't they?

Pizza!!!

I went out tonight....had a catch up with a group of people and realised that for dinner was going to be chicken, salad and pizza. Well, I tried to prepare myself. Before I went for dinner, I had two rice cakes so I would not overeat. I got there and for dinner was all of the above. I had 2 helpings of salad (which was more like one of my 'normal' helpings at home). I also had a little bit of chicken breast with skin off and 1 slice of cheese pizza (as the Americans call it). I tried to put in place everything that I had learnt and that I have been reading in a book called "If not dieting, then what?". It is actually a really good book. It talks about the emotional side of eating and also eating habits for example, eating too quickly or depriving yourself of a food you really enjoy and then overindulging,etc.

Well tonight I applied all of these tools. I chewed my food at least 20 times, I put my knife and fork down between mouthfuls, had water, observed how I was 'feeling' with my hunger / fullness scale and for the first time ever actually realised what cheese pizza really tasted like. All this time I realised that I would scoff pizza so quickly that I never got time to enjoy it at all. Tonight I enjoyed it. It was one slice. I could have eaten the whole pizza, but then I told myself that I would allow myself to have pizza again down the track and that pizza was a 'sometimes' food, not a 'healthy' food as the book refers to.

I think giving myself the power to say "Yes, I'll have pizza again!" and "I can have it if I really want it, but do I feel like it?" made me stop at the 1 piece of pizza. I realised I didn't feel like it. A part of me felt deprived that I had not jumped onto the old wagon and eaten as much as I could until I felt physically sick (this is the feeling I've grown up with....the only way I thought I could tell I was full!) but instead I realised I was 'comfortable' and did not need to have any more.

I got home and was so proud of myself. This may seem like a little step in the right direction, but it feels like a big milestone for me. I just have to keep working on these things. I have to re-train myself, because I'm now realising that I've adopted behaviours that have definitely contributed to me being overweight. I've got a thousand reasons why I've grown up exposed to these 'ways', but now I feel like I've got no excuses. It's time to start over and realise that I can do this.

I'm not always going to get it right, but hey, if I have better behavioural patterns than I did previously, well I'm getting there aren't I!

Whatever!

I'm struggling at the moment. Again. I know!

I seem to be struggling a bit lately.

On the upside I feel like from today onwards I'm able to implement some small steps to help with my weight loss journey. It's amazing how you keep learning on this weight loss journey regardless of thinking 'What else is there to learn?'. Today I realised I eat too quickly! Yep, could be half the problem why I'm plateauing and not moving much with my weight loss. I'm hungry....eat quickly and then have more than I probably need. Here I was thinking 10 minutes to eat a meal was 'normal'. At work if I don't eat in 10 minutes, well I'm pretty much guaranteed not being able to finish my meal and survive another 4 hours without food. So.....today I learnt that I should be taking at least 20 minutes to eat a meal. So....this means a lot of practice for me from now on. I grew up in a big family. If you didn't eat what was on your plate in 10 minutes you could guarantee that whatever was left would be attacked by your brothers and sisters. I use to be one of those sisters. One that use to eat my meal so quickly (esp if if was a favourite) and start attacking my brothers and sisters meals. We were never taught to eat 'slowly'. Mum use to say occasionally to chew our food 20 times per mouthful. I think I got to about 11.

So today I learnt or was taught how to eat 'properly'. Something I've taken for granted. I think the Dietician I saw today nearly fell off her chair when I told her it takes about 10 minutes to 'finish' my meal. Her facial expressions were very....well expressive. lol.

I have been struggling though. With exercise. Again and again and again and again this is something that keeps coming up. To tell you the truth I don't know how you wonderful people put up with me saying "It's too hard!". "I don't know what is wrong with me?". "Why can't I exercise like I use to?". I'm saying 'whatever' to these thoughts that come up. Whatever, whatever, whatever. I'll exercise in my own good time. But...it's still not happening. So I'm going to try and worry less about it and just do what I 'feel' like. If that is a 'walk' around the block, well it's a walk. It has to be better than nothing. My next step is perhaps to have a break from the gym or go to a new one all together. I need to change something. But for now, I'll keep plodding along. One day at a time.

I did it!

Yep....I did it, the Mother's Day Classic that is! I was procrastinating Saturday night, hoping that my brother would text me early hours Sunday morning saying "Sorry can't do it", then I would have the perfect excuse...he let me down....I can't do it by myself. BUT...he didn't. He did it with me and I tell you I was so proud of myself for doing it.

I did the 4km walk and managed to do it in 28 minutes. I cut nearly 20 minutes off my 'normal' time. I felt so good. My brother is really into fitness at the moment. He can run 5kms in 20 minutes. He stood by me, we had a little jog, I was in excruciating pain with my knee....my hip hurt and I felt like I was getting blisters, but I still struggled on and I did it! My brother was pretty happy with me. I felt so good afterwards. I had a 2 hour drive down to see my Mum and my Nana, but I really felt the best part of the day was doing the walk. Not only for me, but as I said on my tribute card "For all women and all Mothers".

My eating has been great since yesterday. I'm planning to exercise tomorrow and today I walked 4 blocks just to post a letter. Something is changing.....I think. I think Danni's mojo is slowly returning. To tell you the truth I've missed it. To all those fantastic people that encouraged me to get out there and exercise....you are so right....it does make you feel better. I want to keep doing it. Even if it's not 'normal' exercise at the gym. It all adds up.

I will post some photoes once I have them from my brother. In the meantime I'm thinking of you all.

What's the purpose?

I follow quite a few blogs / websites of people that inspire me, support me, love me and care for me....for who I am.

One blog / website really hit me tonight. It asked me (well us) a question, What's the purpose? What's the purpose of the protective barrier you've put around yourself? I have written this down and thought and thought and thought about this question....and to tell you the truth, I have a million reasons why I put this protective barrier around me (my weight).

You get to a point in your life and you wonder what is your purpose? Where is my life going? Why have I being put on this Earth? What is my path? My direction? Can't answer any of these questions at the moment. Trying to discover who I am and spiritually I feel like I'm slowly making some progress, again thanks to supportive, loving and non judgemental people I have found this process a lot easier than I thought it would be. So thank you.

Trying to get on with life and embrace each day as it comes. To tell you the truth I'm tired! I'm exhausted! I'm drained! But....I'm not giving up. Trying to figure out what I need to do to get back to feeling better about myself and where my path leads. I have every reason in the world to keep this protective barrier around me, but it is not helping anyone, least of all myself. So instead I'm going to keep persevering with ww and see how I go.

As for gym......I think half the problem is people saw how well I was doing and made so many compliments and comments about how I'll be 'skinny' and 'thin' in no time. I think I got scared. So decided it was best to avoid these people at all costs....therefore gym has been going down the gurgler.

So instead going to set a goal of going to gym once this week. Even for a pump session or RPM. Something different. I have a membership to two Community Gyms. They are both closely linked in to each other, so have decided that I'll use the one I don't usually. Just until I get some more confidence and feel like I'm able to face those people with my head held high. Until then, my goal is going to continue to be one day a week at the gym. The only person that can do this is me.

I just have one question....Why does it have to be so bloody hard?

So much for exercise!!!

I've registered for the Mother's Day Classic....and yes I promised myself that by the time next week came I would be able to do this 4km walk with no problem in the world....why? Because I was going to 'train' for it. Get myself back to the exercise and in a better fitness situation than I am now.

So how much exercise have I done? Absolutely none! Well not officially 'none', but 'none' according to my gym swipe card. I've got huge issues with going to the gym......yet I don't know what they are. Something is causing me to procrastinate about going. Yes getting there is the hardest part, but I feel so exhausted that I just can't really seem to move out the front door and if I do it is because I have to do something else (other than exercise).

Things are not obviously going the way I would like them to go. Tonight I had a binge episode at my sisters house. 3 small packet of chips (6 points) and several small easter eggs later I felt sick and wondered why on earth I had this 'food' when I didn't need it. I wasn't hungry. I'd had a nutritious dinner, yet was not strong enough to say 'no' to the chips and chocolate. Not sure if being out of control is due to TTOM, craving lots of sweet things and eating is a bit out of control. This is why I don't have these foods at my house. If I did, I'm sure I'd be out of control. On top of all this am considering giving up gym membership and even stopping ww meetings. Why? Not sure if my head is making up any excuse not to be accountable. Having thoughts like "Oh well, nothing has changed in a few months and you are weighing in and not getting results and not using the gym, so might as well give it all up". Am I going to....not yet! I know my mind would win if I gave into it. My body certainly would be in a lot worse shape. So told my mind to give me a break for a 'month' and I'll re-evaluate it mid May.

Last few days have been fairly positive (work). So just keep telling myself that regardless of my high expectations and wanting everything in my life to go perfectly at once.....IT IS UNREALISTIC!

In the meantime will focus on keeping tracking, trying to get some exercise in and persevering with getting to ww meetings.

I'll keep you posted. Need to do something before this Mother's Day Classic, otherwise fearful I won't even go! And what would the point of that be? The only person I'd fail is ME! Not giving up just yet!

Update!

Well....so much for the exercise hey!

I've been struggling (yes once again). Surprise Surprise hey! Anyway, I'm thinking the exercise is a struggle because I simply can not picture myself sitting in the gym doing bike, tredmill and weights for an hour. So decided to stop putting these unrealistic time expectations on myself and instead aim for 20-30 minutes. However...I miss classes. I saw a lady in the shopping centre the other day and she stated that she had not seen me for a while. Then she stated "Are you being lazy are you?". Felt a bit annoyed....can't someone just not want to go to gym, can't someone just want to sit at home and not worry about exercise or eating or tracking perfectly....why can't I just do that???? WHY???.........I could. I have. But...I won't. I know that by keeping up lack of exercise, eating emotionally and not tracking that I'll get back to weighing the 150 kgs I was in no time. I don't want to do that.

I've noticed a change in my energy level (Slight) to the point that my nephew gets excited when he sees me playing on the basketball court with him and sees me running after him and the ball. He gets excited. I get excited. But....this just does not bloody motivate me! Motivation is over-rated! It has to be. I can't feel motivated all the time, so instead will just push on and keep doing everything as best as I can.

As well as all this have had a few episodes of palpatations, to the point where I really notice my heart beating fast and even skipping some beats quite often. After an ECG and bloods and being told that "I'm fine" I'm not sure what is going on. Putting it down to maybe anxiety...however it's never been this bad (my anxiety) so not sure why it's happening so much? Might need another trip back to the Drs. No medication is really accountable. So not sure what is going on. Hope to get it sorted. It's a bit scary, just because whilst I'm having these episodes I feel a bit scared and worried...which consequently makes them worse....so perhaps anxiety is the reason, or at least contributing to it all? Who knows! Any opinions are welcomed. I can't get my head around it. Trying not to think about it.

Anyway, nothing else more to update. Will keep you updated on how this week is going. It will be a challenge, but have to focus on little goals. This week it's hitting the gym for 20-30 minutes 2-3 times this week. I can do this!

Hope you are all well. xoxo

I finally did it!

I've got a gym membership and I must be the best member at the moment, you know the one that pays for membership but never goes....that's me, until tonight! I weighed in and lost 0.9kgs. I was thrilled. And then I realised, wow, I lost 0.9kgs with minimal exercise and by tracking quite well. Imagine what results I'll get if I exercise. So....after telling myself to stop procrastinating....I headed off to the gym. I did an hour all up of bike, tredmill and weights, but I was proud of myself. Even got my HR up to 172. It felt good leaving, like I had achieved something. And waht was most bizarre was when I came home I didn't want to eat everything in the fridge and pantry. Instead I had a cup of tea and two biscuits (ww of course). I know now that I just have to persevere and be determined to do this. Tonight I looked at myself in the mirror and realised that I have to start toning....asap! So I'm going to try and go back to pump class this week and just start light and go easy on my knee. And then...my next goal....is to get back to cardiobox without the running. I can do this. Exercise does make you feel better...who would have thought!

Run or Hide?

That is exactly how I have felt today......I either want to run away, pack my bags and just leave and do what? I don't know, just get away from 'my' life, a little break........a little time out from 'life'. The other option is hiding....staying at home, doing basically nothing, moping around the house, wondering what I should do.

That is how I have felt today. What has made me feel this way? ME!!! Lots of family crap going on at the moment, nothing I can really do about it. I've come to the stage (I think) where I'm sick of trying and trying and trying with my family and continuously getting knocked back. Nothing I do is good enough. Everything I do is never good enough, so why on earth do I keep trying. Thank fully you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. I'd be lost without the great support network I get from these fantastic people. So....time to stop worrying about 'family' so to speak and worry about myself more. This at times feels unrealistic and I'm not sure if I can do this (its always hard with nephews and nieces involved) but I wonder how much I'm really doing for them when I'm struggling myself. How can I expect to make people happy, when I can't even feel 'happy' myself.

Not even sure what that is....happiness? One day might know. One day might feel like I even deserve it, but in the meantime I'll keep plodding along through the day. I'll keep persevering. I'll keep going. I have to....for me!

Life is about falling, living is about getting back up!

So the story goes........sounds so simple, yet sometimes feels like its impossible. The getting back up bit I mean. After falling it's so hard to bloody get up, don't you think? Yet sometimes people, moments, memories and maybe even a little magic always seems to prop you up on your bum, ready to give you that push in the back to guide you back up.

This is what has got me through so far, especially over the last week and few days. I've had food poisoning; yes it feels yuk! Yes I thought it would never end! Yes...I even wanted to do all those things that I hadn't felt motivated to do before....exercise, track. And yet here I am tracking although I'm barely eating and looking forward to going for a walk. Unbelievable how we want the things when we really can't have them.

I weighed in yesterday and lost 3.4kgs. I was relieved yet felt so crook I didn't really care. However, I think this is the head start I needed. Perhaps this is the hand in my back helping me off my bum. This journey does not seem so unrealistic at the moment. Actually it feels more realistic than ever. I've learnt so much about myself over the last few days. I've had some more thinking time and by keeping in touch with some brilliant and fantastic people (my magic and inspiration), I've been able to get in touch a little more with who I am or at least who I want to be.

I don't want to give up when things are getting too hard! I don't want to believe that this journey will never be the success! I don't want to think that I'll never know deep down who I really am! I don't want to believe that I'll never be happy. I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE!!!

Will not believing all this be difficult....my word. It will be a challenge everyday. But as I am exposed more to the wonderful things this world does have to offer, I realise that not everything about my life is gloom and doom. I'm grateful for the people I have as support and don't think I could ever express to them how much they really are helping me. They might not think so, but please...know so! They are starting to open my eyes and open my world up and even challenge me in many ways. They ask me questions I would never have been able to ask myself like why on earth don't you think you are beautiful? Why don't you tell yourself that everyday?

WHY??? I don't know. But at the moment I'm happy to sit with the 'why?' a bit longer, because before it was "As if!" "Who cares!" Now....it's why! I think I like 'Why' now. I never use to. But I'm starting to set a place at the dinner table for 'why' now. 'Why' isn't so much about asking the question, but its about opening up opportunites and paths that I thought never existed. It's about keeping those eyes of mine open.

So.....I feel like I'm back on track. It's going to be hard, it's going to be challenging, it's going to be exhausting.........but why shouldn't it be!

Self Sabotage Shakeup

I've been self sabotaging.....why you ask? I've got a million reasons. I like so many other people have a million things going on in their lives, yet they seem to cope...I think? Don't they?

I've been taught as I've grown up to never 'burden' anyone with your problems, never show 'emotions', so being sad and crying was a big no no! Being happy was accepted, sort of I suppose.

Anyway, tonight I weighed in, after 3 weeks. I expected to put on 3 kgs, was hoping deep down it would only be something like 1 kg, yet...the scales surprised me......or did they.......3.9 kgs later I felt like a deflated balloon and I'm sure I was blushing, especially after the weigh in lady told me it was obvious that I hadn't been 'in quite a few weeks', hell yes, thats what I'm doing back I suppose. Why on earth would I walk back in to a place promoting lifestyle change and weight loss 3.9 kgs heavier....I wouldn't, but I did! I'm proud I went to ww tonight, I wouldn't have changed it.

However, after reflecting on my night time habits.....of eating chips, chocolate and ice cream, I've realised that I'm fast slipping back into old habits indeed. Old habits where I would eat a 200 gram packet of chips, followed by half to one whole family block of chocolate and ice cream....because hell....."I deserved it!" I've realised now that these are major self sabotage slip ups. Self destructive is what I'm being....to nobody but myself. So all these personal problems I've got going on, I bet the people who are and have inflicted intense emotional pain on me....I'm sure they are laughing.....maybe even cheering....because they are winning. They continue to win whilst I put that chocolate, ice cream and chips in my mouth. They will continue to laugh and cheer, until now! NO MORE! I'm not going to soothe my emotional pain with food anymore, because really.....the only people winning are the ones I don't want to win......I'm powerless.....but want to become powerful....mentally that is. I will. So today...tonight is the first step. No more giving up, no more being powerless, because hell, I deserve this....don't I?

I finally made it.....

I finally made it.....to the gym that is! I so did not want to go. But then I decided hey, even if I get there and hope on the bike for 5 minutes, it has got to be better than nothing. An hour later I'd done 40 minutes of bike and 15 minutes of weights! I went home and had a shower and actually felt really good for going to the gym! Today I proved to myself that the 'gym' is not that bad. Yes it may get boring, yes I'm a bit over my music, but all in all, it's not that bad! So I made a pact with my friend that I'd make it to the gym once this week (today was the last day). And I did, I made it the once. Next week our pact is twice a week.......I'm looking forward when I don't have to make a pact, but when I know that I want to go on my own steam.....in the meantime I'll keep plodding along. It's not about how much you do, but about how you do it I suppose! Till next time, I think I'm going to enjoy getting acquainted with the gym again.