Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Self Sabotage Shakeup

I've been self sabotaging.....why you ask? I've got a million reasons. I like so many other people have a million things going on in their lives, yet they seem to cope...I think? Don't they?

I've been taught as I've grown up to never 'burden' anyone with your problems, never show 'emotions', so being sad and crying was a big no no! Being happy was accepted, sort of I suppose.

Anyway, tonight I weighed in, after 3 weeks. I expected to put on 3 kgs, was hoping deep down it would only be something like 1 kg, yet...the scales surprised me......or did they.......3.9 kgs later I felt like a deflated balloon and I'm sure I was blushing, especially after the weigh in lady told me it was obvious that I hadn't been 'in quite a few weeks', hell yes, thats what I'm doing back I suppose. Why on earth would I walk back in to a place promoting lifestyle change and weight loss 3.9 kgs heavier....I wouldn't, but I did! I'm proud I went to ww tonight, I wouldn't have changed it.

However, after reflecting on my night time habits.....of eating chips, chocolate and ice cream, I've realised that I'm fast slipping back into old habits indeed. Old habits where I would eat a 200 gram packet of chips, followed by half to one whole family block of chocolate and ice cream....because hell....."I deserved it!" I've realised now that these are major self sabotage slip ups. Self destructive is what I'm being....to nobody but myself. So all these personal problems I've got going on, I bet the people who are and have inflicted intense emotional pain on me....I'm sure they are laughing.....maybe even cheering....because they are winning. They continue to win whilst I put that chocolate, ice cream and chips in my mouth. They will continue to laugh and cheer, until now! NO MORE! I'm not going to soothe my emotional pain with food anymore, because really.....the only people winning are the ones I don't want to win......I'm powerless.....but want to become powerful....mentally that is. I will. So today...tonight is the first step. No more giving up, no more being powerless, because hell, I deserve this....don't I?
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3 comments:

  1. TinaApril 8, 2009 at 6:22 AM

    Danni, I can so relate to this post. You are describing exactly what I used to eat at night. It is so hard to get out of these bad eating habbits but I have managed to do it for the last 5 months.

    I limit myself to a ww tub of icecream each night and if I need more I have a zooper dooper iceblock for the sweet cravings. I don't have the chips and chocolate around me anymore. I keep it for the kids but get hubby to put it away so it's not in my face.

    Come into chat when you feel like eating things you know you shouldn't. We'll help you.

    You can do this Danni. Well done on facing those scales. Sure you have put on but you haven't given up. Look at how far you have come. You do deserve this!!!

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  2. samanthaApril 9, 2009 at 2:45 PM

    Hey Danni

    I'm so glad you went back to your meeting!No matter what that stupid lady said you get back out there, we are here to suppoort you and thats all that matters. As Tina said if you are feeling like eating at night come in and chat one of us is always there usually after 7pm. I wish you could see the beautiful person we see both inside and out. So heres to a fresh beginning my friend. Take Care Sam xx

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  3. BekApril 11, 2009 at 6:15 AM

    Hey Danni,

    Good on you for stepping on that scale. That was by far the biggest challenge.

    You can do this, you've already done it...27kg is something huge and something to be proud of. Have some safe snacks on hand, keep your gym pacts with your friend and just put one step in front of the other.

    Well done on your progress so far, a little slip just proves your human.

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This is all new to me......

This is all indeed new to me! The blog stuff I mean. I've been wanting to do this for a while and as you can see I thought what the heck, I'm just going to do it! A working progress you might say? I think so. But with time you can only improve? Don't they say that with everything?

I'm not sure I feel that way about weight loss at the moment. I've hit my 1 year journey marker, yet I look at what I have achieved and start to question myself....is '27 kgs' something really to gloat about? To be proud of? Thats half a kilo a week, which fits in perfectly with what ww recommend...yet its simply not good enough for me!

'Why?' you ask? I think comparing myself to everyone else and what they have achieved has led me to doubting myself and feeling pretty crappy about how far I have come. I wanted to be so badly one of those people that say "Look at me, look at what I've achieved!". I try...but those words simply fade into the "Look at what? Big deal 27 kgs!". I'm a bit of a critic. Actually I'm a severe critic....of myself that is. Hence, why I've got myself into this situation in the first place.

So at the moment with all of lifes curve balls that are thrown my way, I simply have one motto "One day at a time!".....oh and perhaps one more "When your mind says give up, hope whispers one more try". This is what I'm living by at the moment and I must say with all the great support I'm getting from some wonderful fantastic people, hope is whispering a lot more to me!

I'll keep you updated on how things are going....in the meantime I'll keep plodding along and know that "I CAN DO THIS!".