Path of destruction!

Wasn't a great night tonight. Went shopping and found an hour later I had consumed a 100 gram packet of chips, 6 mini mud muffins, 3 teddy bear biscuits and nearly a whole 1.25 litre bottle of diet coke.

WHY??? Why you ask? I have been suffering from terrible headaches and fatigue that I've never experienced before. To the point of having 10-12 hour sleeps and then after being up and hour or two feeling like I need to lie down again. It has been terrible. After discussion with a friend (a nurse also), it was thought that I had really serious withdrawal symptoms because I'd gone from 1-2 litres of diet coke to absolutely zip! My friend suggested perhaps cutting down a bit slower. So I thought, what the heck, I'll go get some diet coke and get rid of these headaches once and for all.

Thing is.....realised that I've just had a major binge and my body certainly is not thanking me for it. Today I weighed in at 130.4 kgs. Which means I've put on 7kgs. So something is going wrong with my eating. I wondered whether my binge tonight was self sabotage of 'Oh well, I've put on weight, what the heck!'.

Think I'll have to get back to ww meetings. I'm going to get back to basics. I have not had chips and 'mud cake' in so long that perhaps I was feeling deprived, maybe that is why I binged......however there is no excuse. The damage is down now. I have to live with it, move on and get back to getting into shape.

A new day, a new beginning.

Buggered, Battered and Bring it on!

It's been an exhausting weekend. I've had to work night duty at work, which obviously puts my body clock way out of being in the 'normal' range. Today has marked reaching over the 1 week mark of having no diet coke. Instead I'm drinking lots of diet mineral water, water and tea. Seem to be coping. Still feel I need something 'sweet', but cravings are no where near as bad as they were, so thinking diet coke had something to play in that.

I'm addicted to muesli bars at the moment. Don't know hot to get off them or to get ones that are a good substitute. Weight watchers has recommended that go for soup or something 'filling' instead of museli bars, but I'm finding that difficult. Thinking maybe a muesli weight watchers slice is the way to go and might be a bit better than 1.5-3 point musli bars.

I'm starting to get in the habit of wanting to eat 'healthier'. I got up after sleeping 4 hours from my night duty today and after going to do some shopping felt like I was about to faint. Every fast food shop that passed I was looking at thinking what could I have to stop me feeling nauseated and to fix my energy level....but I didn't go in. Instead had a fun size milky way, picked nephew up from school and made a salad sandwich followed by an apple. Was quite surprised and 'proud' of myself. Don't remember really ever doing this. Something to feel good about.

My house has no chips,no biscuits, no ice cream, a few fun size frozen milky ways and no musli bars. It feels alright too, however am going to persevere with finding a good alternative to musli bars. Why do I love them so much? Don't really know.

Fernwood went well last week. Did a weight session last Friday and am still sore from it. It's good though. Made me realise how much I miss it, so will persevere with going. Got to get back into it. Fernwood scales and Wii scales showed I'd put on 5 kgs, not sure if it had something to do with TTOM or something else. But keep persevering and I know I'll get there.

In the meantime taking it one day at a time. The diet coke demon is still around, but it's getting smaller and disappearing a bit more which is great. I know still might be tough, but I'm getting there. One day at a time.

Rollercoaster ride

It's amazing how your day can truly be a rollercoaster ride.

I went to Fernwood tonight / this afternoon. I ended up doing cardio for 55 minutes and truly forgot how exhausting working out was. I was buggered, could not even do another 5 minutes. After 35 minute mark I was wondering if I could go on, but I pushed myself. Felt quite good about myself, what I had achieved and had that "I'm back" feeling.

Then a few issues occurred when I got home. I'm not going to go into it. But can only say that sometimes what may seem like something that is said can really hurt you until you feel like you want to cry and wonder why you keep trying.

I wondered.....why do I bother? why do I persevere? why do I seem to always stuff things up? WHY? WHY? WHY?.........and you know what, I had these thoughts for about 1 minute and thought, NO! I'M WORTH MORE!

SO today has been a rollercoaster ride, but I'm not going to let people upset me to a point where I continually question myself. I'm worth more than that. I'm learning that I need to believe in myself. No one else can do it for me. I know there are some wonderful people (friends) in my life who have been so supportive, helpful, patient and even forgiving. I'd be lost without them and I'm thankful.

So I say, bring on the Rollercoaster ride, because I'm ready to ride it and there may be times that I feel it is in a continual spiral downwards, but....I'm patient, I'll wait....because in the end what goes down must come up!

DIET COKE DEMON!

Today, I felt it more than ever. Not having the diet coke. I have felt terrible, had a thumping headache that just won't go away. Nurofen and increased water intake seemed to take the edge off it, but I really feel it was my body saying "Can I have just a bit of diet coke!" Answer..."HELL NO!!!". I'm looking forward to overcoming this hurdle and not having to worry about diet coke at all. It's taken it's toll. I've been in bed feeling nauseated and with a head ache most of the day, but I'm not giving up yet.

Sugar cravings are still hitting about dinner time, afterwards. I looked at the diet mineral water I was drinking and it seems it has the same preservative as diet coke (950 - aspartame), so it was ditched and replaced with a mineral water that has no preservatives. Only thing is that it has more calories, so am being more aware of that.

Been reading lots of Fernwood magazines, they remind me a lot of ww magazines and seem to focus on issues that all women have. Pretty good magazine.

Still have not made it to fernwood, but have it booked in my diary for tomorrow and have promised myself that I have to go. Also, notice that I'm procrastinating and self sabotaging when it comes to exercise. I'm glad I'm aware of it though. For example, tomorrow I have a class that I'm going to at Fernwood booked in my diary and already I'm saying "Oh, I haven't seen my nephews and nieces all week, I need to see them tomorrow night". At least I'm aware of what I'm doing and I've decided to put myself first. I'm going to that Fernwood class, my nephews and nieces are going to appreciate a more fitter, healthier Auntie at Summer time. I'm sure they will love that more than me giving up the exercise to spend some time with them.

Have to keep reminding myself that this is about me. No one, but me! It's sort of hard though at times. Because I'm really trying to practice this. It's just a change, a new challenge and with change it can be a bit difficult, but.....I'm not giving up yet....not ever!

So diet coke demon, I say, bring it on. I'm going to defeat you, I feel like I'm half way there.....and ultimately, my body is going to thank me for it!

I hope you dance....

I hope you dance. It's a song by Leanne Womack. Some of the words actually had some meaning for me.

I'm dancing. Sort of. In my own little way. Day 3 of no diet coke and I'm feeling pretty ordinary. Actually feeling really tired (no caffeine I'd assume), nauseated, shaky, dizzy and I feel like I want to vomit. But...on the upside I'm still going and persevering with this 'no diet coke challenge'.

Last night was going to test me. Thought I would surprise Mum and cook dinner at her house for her and my brother. Cooked pasta bake (Anne Syme recipe) and ww banana malteser muffin recipe. However, I changed the recipe a bit. I didn't put an egg in and didn't use any cream cheese or extra maltesers for the topping. To tell you the truth I didn't need it. It was my first attempt at this cake and it came out beautifully. I cut the cake into 16 pieces, which ended up making it 1.5 pts a piece. Pretty happy with that. Even had enough to freeze and to keep for me when I get the sweet cravings. Was proud that I didn't resolve to any chocolate, chips or ice cream eating. Well....it's because i know I can do it.

Yesterday I also joined Fernwood. Had a totally different feeling and I'm looking forward to going there to get myself back into exercise and re-motivate myself. A few changes are happening in my life. Something I realise I'm not very good at is committment. It can be a bit of a problem. At least I'm aware of this though. I'm willing to persevere with these changes and my goals. So far, so good.

I can do this!......I am doing this!

Excuses!

Excuses! That is what a lovely friend helped me realise I'd been making all along....all my life. Until today! My friend helped me realise that I had to stop blaming others for my life circumstances and give up the 'VICTIM' act!

I perhaps felt a little annoyed at first when I was reading this email. But then I realised that my friend was absolutely right! I'm thankful to my friend. After all she helped me realise that playing the 'VICTIM' act was not helping anyone, least of all myself.

Now I feel like I'm living by my affirmation of "I CAN DO IT!". It's working. I'm feeling more positive and feeling like I can do this. There have been times today where I just wanted some chocolate, some chips, some lollies......I wanted to go and buy them. I didn't though! I even went shopping and didn't buy diet coke. I'm on my last bottle and have decided after some encouragement from another great friend to 'kick it to the curb'. So instead I bought some diet mineral water. Will see how it goes. Thinking the first few days will be difficult, but you know what; 'I CAN DO IT!'. Just you watch me!

Also thought of some goals (short term) to have for the next few months:

1. To drink 2 litres of water a day.
2. To exercise 3 times a week.
3. To stop drinking diet coke.
4. To track everything I eat; regardless of it being good or not so good.
5. I WILL NOT GIVE UP...UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

Pretty happy with these goals. As I go along they may change a little. In the meantime am focusing on achieving these goals, but most of all to keep going. I'm going to do this! I know I can!

Today.....now.....this moment!

Today...now...this moment. I've promised myself that is what I'm going to focus on. Not what I should have done, not what I could do, but instead what I am going to do.

Have realised that I've been beating myself up because I've been feeling so confused about where my life is going and what I want to do. I've been feeling down because things don't seem to be going 'right' for me. But then reflecting...wondering if in fact I've really been trying much...or at all.

Yes eating is not great.....so start tracking. Throw what I can't say 'no' to in the bin.

Yes exercise is non existent....make an effort to do things more around the house and swap gym memberships / places.

Yes work is hard....I feel lost, confused...but I'm going to sit with that a bit longer and see where it goes. I can only keep trying to find work that I'm truly 'passionate' about.

From now on the "You can't do anything right" or the "No, that's too hard" or "I'm too tired" is not going to be part of my vocabulary anymore. Perhaps people think I'm feeling sorry for myself, perhaps people think I'm focusing too much on the "past".....well I might be....I probably am. It's easy when you feel 'down' to look at things as being 'black and white' and not really see the grey.

To tell you the truth I'm starting to realise that I'm missing out on too much. I don't want to miss out anymore not living my life to the fullest. I want to really start 'living'. It's only up to me. My attitude might change, I might still feel 'down' or 'unmotivated', but I'm going to come back to this post and remind myself that the only person that can really help me is ME!

I can do this! I will do this! Just you watch me.

Update!

Not a lot to update unfortunately......I have been quite slack at posting. Keep thinking that perhaps people will read what I blog and then decided that this blog is really for no one but me.

So here goes. Life is running on 'neutral' at the moment. Good thing is I'm not in reverse and whilst I'm not in drive either I know I will be....soon.

Weight....up and down like a yo-yo. Today I ate half a loaf of bread. Something I have not done for a long time. Food does not seem to satisfy me anymore, not really that interesting, so I just eat whatever is quick and convenient. Hence why I have gone through half a loaf of bread. Have I needed it....no. Did I want it....for some crazy reason yes. Actually to tell you the truth I think it's related to 'emotional eating'. I've got a lot going on I think, so somehow feel that 'food' will solve all of my problems. I've learnt from the past that food does NOT solve my problems, it really actually usually makes them worse. From tomorrow I've promised myself to stop before I eat. To drink less diet coke and to not buy anything that I may be tempted by eating too much of. (No chips, ice cream or chocolate in the house at the moment).

Exercise.......is non existent. But I'm sick of making excuses. "I can't exercise because of my knee", "I can't exercise because I have asthma", "I can't exercise because I'm too tired", "I can't exercise because my gym is full of men most of the time". "I CAN'T, I C'ANT, I C'ANT!!!" Sick of these thoughts, so from this day forth I promised myself that I'm going to do some sort of exercise. If it means going for a quick walk around the block well I've got to do it!

Mood.....has also been up and down. I feel drained, exhausted and feeling like I'm struggling to cope with what is going on in my head, which consequently can contribute to me feeling un-motivated. But I'm still plodding along and not totally giving up. I'm still getting out of bed, I'm still getting to work. I'm still making some sort of effort, so that has to count for something.

Work.....going as well as expected I suppose. Besides the fact that I truely feel like I'm not in the 'job' that I feel totally passionate about. Wondering what my options are. Wondering if I'll ever get that excited butterfly feeling in my tummy as I'm walking into work. I use to get that....a long time ago. I don't now, does that mean I shouldn't be a nurse. Does it mean I'm burnt out. Does it mean I will never get that feeling again? I'm not sure. Just tring to figure out what I'll do next. In the meantime have asked for guidance and wisdom. Hoping some light will be shed somewhere along the way.

Family........still full of ups and downs. Decided that I can't fix everyones problems and it isn't my job to fix everyones problems. I can only support them and love them the best way I know to. That is all I can do.

As an ending note.....bloody hell I miss you dad. I wonder if any of these obstacles / issues I've got in my life would be so big if you were just here. I want so badly to just ask you what I should do or just to have you listen. That always helped. I miss you dad.

That is my update. I'm promising myself to post more regularly and to get back on with it. To keep getting up when I fall over. Problem is I'm getting tired and don't know how much longer I can keep pushing myself up.