Update!

Well....so much for the exercise hey!

I've been struggling (yes once again). Surprise Surprise hey! Anyway, I'm thinking the exercise is a struggle because I simply can not picture myself sitting in the gym doing bike, tredmill and weights for an hour. So decided to stop putting these unrealistic time expectations on myself and instead aim for 20-30 minutes. However...I miss classes. I saw a lady in the shopping centre the other day and she stated that she had not seen me for a while. Then she stated "Are you being lazy are you?". Felt a bit annoyed....can't someone just not want to go to gym, can't someone just want to sit at home and not worry about exercise or eating or tracking perfectly....why can't I just do that???? WHY???.........I could. I have. But...I won't. I know that by keeping up lack of exercise, eating emotionally and not tracking that I'll get back to weighing the 150 kgs I was in no time. I don't want to do that.

I've noticed a change in my energy level (Slight) to the point that my nephew gets excited when he sees me playing on the basketball court with him and sees me running after him and the ball. He gets excited. I get excited. But....this just does not bloody motivate me! Motivation is over-rated! It has to be. I can't feel motivated all the time, so instead will just push on and keep doing everything as best as I can.

As well as all this have had a few episodes of palpatations, to the point where I really notice my heart beating fast and even skipping some beats quite often. After an ECG and bloods and being told that "I'm fine" I'm not sure what is going on. Putting it down to maybe anxiety...however it's never been this bad (my anxiety) so not sure why it's happening so much? Might need another trip back to the Drs. No medication is really accountable. So not sure what is going on. Hope to get it sorted. It's a bit scary, just because whilst I'm having these episodes I feel a bit scared and worried...which consequently makes them worse....so perhaps anxiety is the reason, or at least contributing to it all? Who knows! Any opinions are welcomed. I can't get my head around it. Trying not to think about it.

Anyway, nothing else more to update. Will keep you updated on how this week is going. It will be a challenge, but have to focus on little goals. This week it's hitting the gym for 20-30 minutes 2-3 times this week. I can do this!

Hope you are all well. xoxo

I finally did it!

I've got a gym membership and I must be the best member at the moment, you know the one that pays for membership but never goes....that's me, until tonight! I weighed in and lost 0.9kgs. I was thrilled. And then I realised, wow, I lost 0.9kgs with minimal exercise and by tracking quite well. Imagine what results I'll get if I exercise. So....after telling myself to stop procrastinating....I headed off to the gym. I did an hour all up of bike, tredmill and weights, but I was proud of myself. Even got my HR up to 172. It felt good leaving, like I had achieved something. And waht was most bizarre was when I came home I didn't want to eat everything in the fridge and pantry. Instead I had a cup of tea and two biscuits (ww of course). I know now that I just have to persevere and be determined to do this. Tonight I looked at myself in the mirror and realised that I have to start toning....asap! So I'm going to try and go back to pump class this week and just start light and go easy on my knee. And then...my next goal....is to get back to cardiobox without the running. I can do this. Exercise does make you feel better...who would have thought!

Run or Hide?

That is exactly how I have felt today......I either want to run away, pack my bags and just leave and do what? I don't know, just get away from 'my' life, a little break........a little time out from 'life'. The other option is hiding....staying at home, doing basically nothing, moping around the house, wondering what I should do.

That is how I have felt today. What has made me feel this way? ME!!! Lots of family crap going on at the moment, nothing I can really do about it. I've come to the stage (I think) where I'm sick of trying and trying and trying with my family and continuously getting knocked back. Nothing I do is good enough. Everything I do is never good enough, so why on earth do I keep trying. Thank fully you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. I'd be lost without the great support network I get from these fantastic people. So....time to stop worrying about 'family' so to speak and worry about myself more. This at times feels unrealistic and I'm not sure if I can do this (its always hard with nephews and nieces involved) but I wonder how much I'm really doing for them when I'm struggling myself. How can I expect to make people happy, when I can't even feel 'happy' myself.

Not even sure what that is....happiness? One day might know. One day might feel like I even deserve it, but in the meantime I'll keep plodding along through the day. I'll keep persevering. I'll keep going. I have to....for me!

Life is about falling, living is about getting back up!

So the story goes........sounds so simple, yet sometimes feels like its impossible. The getting back up bit I mean. After falling it's so hard to bloody get up, don't you think? Yet sometimes people, moments, memories and maybe even a little magic always seems to prop you up on your bum, ready to give you that push in the back to guide you back up.

This is what has got me through so far, especially over the last week and few days. I've had food poisoning; yes it feels yuk! Yes I thought it would never end! Yes...I even wanted to do all those things that I hadn't felt motivated to do before....exercise, track. And yet here I am tracking although I'm barely eating and looking forward to going for a walk. Unbelievable how we want the things when we really can't have them.

I weighed in yesterday and lost 3.4kgs. I was relieved yet felt so crook I didn't really care. However, I think this is the head start I needed. Perhaps this is the hand in my back helping me off my bum. This journey does not seem so unrealistic at the moment. Actually it feels more realistic than ever. I've learnt so much about myself over the last few days. I've had some more thinking time and by keeping in touch with some brilliant and fantastic people (my magic and inspiration), I've been able to get in touch a little more with who I am or at least who I want to be.

I don't want to give up when things are getting too hard! I don't want to believe that this journey will never be the success! I don't want to think that I'll never know deep down who I really am! I don't want to believe that I'll never be happy. I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE!!!

Will not believing all this be difficult....my word. It will be a challenge everyday. But as I am exposed more to the wonderful things this world does have to offer, I realise that not everything about my life is gloom and doom. I'm grateful for the people I have as support and don't think I could ever express to them how much they really are helping me. They might not think so, but please...know so! They are starting to open my eyes and open my world up and even challenge me in many ways. They ask me questions I would never have been able to ask myself like why on earth don't you think you are beautiful? Why don't you tell yourself that everyday?

WHY??? I don't know. But at the moment I'm happy to sit with the 'why?' a bit longer, because before it was "As if!" "Who cares!" Now....it's why! I think I like 'Why' now. I never use to. But I'm starting to set a place at the dinner table for 'why' now. 'Why' isn't so much about asking the question, but its about opening up opportunites and paths that I thought never existed. It's about keeping those eyes of mine open.

So.....I feel like I'm back on track. It's going to be hard, it's going to be challenging, it's going to be exhausting.........but why shouldn't it be!

Self Sabotage Shakeup

I've been self sabotaging.....why you ask? I've got a million reasons. I like so many other people have a million things going on in their lives, yet they seem to cope...I think? Don't they?

I've been taught as I've grown up to never 'burden' anyone with your problems, never show 'emotions', so being sad and crying was a big no no! Being happy was accepted, sort of I suppose.

Anyway, tonight I weighed in, after 3 weeks. I expected to put on 3 kgs, was hoping deep down it would only be something like 1 kg, yet...the scales surprised me......or did they.......3.9 kgs later I felt like a deflated balloon and I'm sure I was blushing, especially after the weigh in lady told me it was obvious that I hadn't been 'in quite a few weeks', hell yes, thats what I'm doing back I suppose. Why on earth would I walk back in to a place promoting lifestyle change and weight loss 3.9 kgs heavier....I wouldn't, but I did! I'm proud I went to ww tonight, I wouldn't have changed it.

However, after reflecting on my night time habits.....of eating chips, chocolate and ice cream, I've realised that I'm fast slipping back into old habits indeed. Old habits where I would eat a 200 gram packet of chips, followed by half to one whole family block of chocolate and ice cream....because hell....."I deserved it!" I've realised now that these are major self sabotage slip ups. Self destructive is what I'm being....to nobody but myself. So all these personal problems I've got going on, I bet the people who are and have inflicted intense emotional pain on me....I'm sure they are laughing.....maybe even cheering....because they are winning. They continue to win whilst I put that chocolate, ice cream and chips in my mouth. They will continue to laugh and cheer, until now! NO MORE! I'm not going to soothe my emotional pain with food anymore, because really.....the only people winning are the ones I don't want to win......I'm powerless.....but want to become powerful....mentally that is. I will. So today...tonight is the first step. No more giving up, no more being powerless, because hell, I deserve this....don't I?

I finally made it.....

I finally made it.....to the gym that is! I so did not want to go. But then I decided hey, even if I get there and hope on the bike for 5 minutes, it has got to be better than nothing. An hour later I'd done 40 minutes of bike and 15 minutes of weights! I went home and had a shower and actually felt really good for going to the gym! Today I proved to myself that the 'gym' is not that bad. Yes it may get boring, yes I'm a bit over my music, but all in all, it's not that bad! So I made a pact with my friend that I'd make it to the gym once this week (today was the last day). And I did, I made it the once. Next week our pact is twice a week.......I'm looking forward when I don't have to make a pact, but when I know that I want to go on my own steam.....in the meantime I'll keep plodding along. It's not about how much you do, but about how you do it I suppose! Till next time, I think I'm going to enjoy getting acquainted with the gym again.