Excuses!

Excuses! That is what a lovely friend helped me realise I'd been making all along....all my life. Until today! My friend helped me realise that I had to stop blaming others for my life circumstances and give up the 'VICTIM' act!

I perhaps felt a little annoyed at first when I was reading this email. But then I realised that my friend was absolutely right! I'm thankful to my friend. After all she helped me realise that playing the 'VICTIM' act was not helping anyone, least of all myself.

Now I feel like I'm living by my affirmation of "I CAN DO IT!". It's working. I'm feeling more positive and feeling like I can do this. There have been times today where I just wanted some chocolate, some chips, some lollies......I wanted to go and buy them. I didn't though! I even went shopping and didn't buy diet coke. I'm on my last bottle and have decided after some encouragement from another great friend to 'kick it to the curb'. So instead I bought some diet mineral water. Will see how it goes. Thinking the first few days will be difficult, but you know what; 'I CAN DO IT!'. Just you watch me!

Also thought of some goals (short term) to have for the next few months:

1. To drink 2 litres of water a day.
2. To exercise 3 times a week.
3. To stop drinking diet coke.
4. To track everything I eat; regardless of it being good or not so good.
5. I WILL NOT GIVE UP...UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

Pretty happy with these goals. As I go along they may change a little. In the meantime am focusing on achieving these goals, but most of all to keep going. I'm going to do this! I know I can!

Today.....now.....this moment!

Today...now...this moment. I've promised myself that is what I'm going to focus on. Not what I should have done, not what I could do, but instead what I am going to do.

Have realised that I've been beating myself up because I've been feeling so confused about where my life is going and what I want to do. I've been feeling down because things don't seem to be going 'right' for me. But then reflecting...wondering if in fact I've really been trying much...or at all.

Yes eating is not great.....so start tracking. Throw what I can't say 'no' to in the bin.

Yes exercise is non existent....make an effort to do things more around the house and swap gym memberships / places.

Yes work is hard....I feel lost, confused...but I'm going to sit with that a bit longer and see where it goes. I can only keep trying to find work that I'm truly 'passionate' about.

From now on the "You can't do anything right" or the "No, that's too hard" or "I'm too tired" is not going to be part of my vocabulary anymore. Perhaps people think I'm feeling sorry for myself, perhaps people think I'm focusing too much on the "past".....well I might be....I probably am. It's easy when you feel 'down' to look at things as being 'black and white' and not really see the grey.

To tell you the truth I'm starting to realise that I'm missing out on too much. I don't want to miss out anymore not living my life to the fullest. I want to really start 'living'. It's only up to me. My attitude might change, I might still feel 'down' or 'unmotivated', but I'm going to come back to this post and remind myself that the only person that can really help me is ME!

I can do this! I will do this! Just you watch me.

Update!

Not a lot to update unfortunately......I have been quite slack at posting. Keep thinking that perhaps people will read what I blog and then decided that this blog is really for no one but me.

So here goes. Life is running on 'neutral' at the moment. Good thing is I'm not in reverse and whilst I'm not in drive either I know I will be....soon.

Weight....up and down like a yo-yo. Today I ate half a loaf of bread. Something I have not done for a long time. Food does not seem to satisfy me anymore, not really that interesting, so I just eat whatever is quick and convenient. Hence why I have gone through half a loaf of bread. Have I needed it....no. Did I want it....for some crazy reason yes. Actually to tell you the truth I think it's related to 'emotional eating'. I've got a lot going on I think, so somehow feel that 'food' will solve all of my problems. I've learnt from the past that food does NOT solve my problems, it really actually usually makes them worse. From tomorrow I've promised myself to stop before I eat. To drink less diet coke and to not buy anything that I may be tempted by eating too much of. (No chips, ice cream or chocolate in the house at the moment).

Exercise.......is non existent. But I'm sick of making excuses. "I can't exercise because of my knee", "I can't exercise because I have asthma", "I can't exercise because I'm too tired", "I can't exercise because my gym is full of men most of the time". "I CAN'T, I C'ANT, I C'ANT!!!" Sick of these thoughts, so from this day forth I promised myself that I'm going to do some sort of exercise. If it means going for a quick walk around the block well I've got to do it!

Mood.....has also been up and down. I feel drained, exhausted and feeling like I'm struggling to cope with what is going on in my head, which consequently can contribute to me feeling un-motivated. But I'm still plodding along and not totally giving up. I'm still getting out of bed, I'm still getting to work. I'm still making some sort of effort, so that has to count for something.

Work.....going as well as expected I suppose. Besides the fact that I truely feel like I'm not in the 'job' that I feel totally passionate about. Wondering what my options are. Wondering if I'll ever get that excited butterfly feeling in my tummy as I'm walking into work. I use to get that....a long time ago. I don't now, does that mean I shouldn't be a nurse. Does it mean I'm burnt out. Does it mean I will never get that feeling again? I'm not sure. Just tring to figure out what I'll do next. In the meantime have asked for guidance and wisdom. Hoping some light will be shed somewhere along the way.

Family........still full of ups and downs. Decided that I can't fix everyones problems and it isn't my job to fix everyones problems. I can only support them and love them the best way I know to. That is all I can do.

As an ending note.....bloody hell I miss you dad. I wonder if any of these obstacles / issues I've got in my life would be so big if you were just here. I want so badly to just ask you what I should do or just to have you listen. That always helped. I miss you dad.

That is my update. I'm promising myself to post more regularly and to get back on with it. To keep getting up when I fall over. Problem is I'm getting tired and don't know how much longer I can keep pushing myself up.

PINK!

Guess what......I've got Pink tickets, I'm so excited about it. It is going to be my sister's birthday present and I'm making sure that I don't say a word and keep it a real surprise. However, I'm not sure who will be more excited. Because to tell you the truth.....I'm excited indeed. Thing is, the tickets I could only get were standing tickets, which means for at least 4 hours my sister and I are going to be dancing, singing, screaming and jumping up and down as you do at concerts, lol.

At first I was worried when I realise what tickets I had to get. I was worried about my knee, my sister's back (standing so long),but know that with life comes once in a lifetime opportunities and I feel like this is one of those opportunities.

I promised myself that I would lose a few kgs before the concert just to feel a bit better. However.....having a lot of problems at the moment with binge eating. Why? Can't put my finger on it at the moment. Just know that it's more out of control than ever.....to the point that it is nearly happening every night. I know that binging on crackers, vegie sticks, biscuits and a few small pieces of chocolate is a lot different to the old days of binging on ice cream, chips, chocolate, cake, Mc Donalds, but still am not happy with how I'm feeling about this situation. It is only me that can change it though, isn't it.

My friend excercise seems to be on a holiday. I don't know where he has gone. He has disappeared totally. I try to make appointments with him in my diary, but I can't stick to them so hence exercise continues to be missing in my life which seems to be spiraling a bit out of control at the moment in regards to food and exercise. I wanted to tell exercise if he could make it any easier to come back. What can I do to welcome him back? Seems appointments in my diary are not working. Most of all I wanted to ask him why he left? Why I let him leave? Why I continue to ensure he stays on his holiday? Answer: I don't bloody know! However, what I do know though is that from now on I'm making sure I see him at least once a week. Maybe that will help our relationship a bit more and ensure he stays around a little longer. I know it is only up to me, only I can change my exercise and eating pattern, to tell you the truth, Pink might have just come in at the right time.

Pink might just help get me reaquainted with Exercise.

Thanks Pink! I know the next few weeks are going to be challenging, but I'm up for that. After all, challenges are life aren't they?