Pizza!!!

I went out tonight....had a catch up with a group of people and realised that for dinner was going to be chicken, salad and pizza. Well, I tried to prepare myself. Before I went for dinner, I had two rice cakes so I would not overeat. I got there and for dinner was all of the above. I had 2 helpings of salad (which was more like one of my 'normal' helpings at home). I also had a little bit of chicken breast with skin off and 1 slice of cheese pizza (as the Americans call it). I tried to put in place everything that I had learnt and that I have been reading in a book called "If not dieting, then what?". It is actually a really good book. It talks about the emotional side of eating and also eating habits for example, eating too quickly or depriving yourself of a food you really enjoy and then overindulging,etc.

Well tonight I applied all of these tools. I chewed my food at least 20 times, I put my knife and fork down between mouthfuls, had water, observed how I was 'feeling' with my hunger / fullness scale and for the first time ever actually realised what cheese pizza really tasted like. All this time I realised that I would scoff pizza so quickly that I never got time to enjoy it at all. Tonight I enjoyed it. It was one slice. I could have eaten the whole pizza, but then I told myself that I would allow myself to have pizza again down the track and that pizza was a 'sometimes' food, not a 'healthy' food as the book refers to.

I think giving myself the power to say "Yes, I'll have pizza again!" and "I can have it if I really want it, but do I feel like it?" made me stop at the 1 piece of pizza. I realised I didn't feel like it. A part of me felt deprived that I had not jumped onto the old wagon and eaten as much as I could until I felt physically sick (this is the feeling I've grown up with....the only way I thought I could tell I was full!) but instead I realised I was 'comfortable' and did not need to have any more.

I got home and was so proud of myself. This may seem like a little step in the right direction, but it feels like a big milestone for me. I just have to keep working on these things. I have to re-train myself, because I'm now realising that I've adopted behaviours that have definitely contributed to me being overweight. I've got a thousand reasons why I've grown up exposed to these 'ways', but now I feel like I've got no excuses. It's time to start over and realise that I can do this.

I'm not always going to get it right, but hey, if I have better behavioural patterns than I did previously, well I'm getting there aren't I!

Whatever!

I'm struggling at the moment. Again. I know!

I seem to be struggling a bit lately.

On the upside I feel like from today onwards I'm able to implement some small steps to help with my weight loss journey. It's amazing how you keep learning on this weight loss journey regardless of thinking 'What else is there to learn?'. Today I realised I eat too quickly! Yep, could be half the problem why I'm plateauing and not moving much with my weight loss. I'm hungry....eat quickly and then have more than I probably need. Here I was thinking 10 minutes to eat a meal was 'normal'. At work if I don't eat in 10 minutes, well I'm pretty much guaranteed not being able to finish my meal and survive another 4 hours without food. So.....today I learnt that I should be taking at least 20 minutes to eat a meal. So....this means a lot of practice for me from now on. I grew up in a big family. If you didn't eat what was on your plate in 10 minutes you could guarantee that whatever was left would be attacked by your brothers and sisters. I use to be one of those sisters. One that use to eat my meal so quickly (esp if if was a favourite) and start attacking my brothers and sisters meals. We were never taught to eat 'slowly'. Mum use to say occasionally to chew our food 20 times per mouthful. I think I got to about 11.

So today I learnt or was taught how to eat 'properly'. Something I've taken for granted. I think the Dietician I saw today nearly fell off her chair when I told her it takes about 10 minutes to 'finish' my meal. Her facial expressions were very....well expressive. lol.

I have been struggling though. With exercise. Again and again and again and again this is something that keeps coming up. To tell you the truth I don't know how you wonderful people put up with me saying "It's too hard!". "I don't know what is wrong with me?". "Why can't I exercise like I use to?". I'm saying 'whatever' to these thoughts that come up. Whatever, whatever, whatever. I'll exercise in my own good time. But...it's still not happening. So I'm going to try and worry less about it and just do what I 'feel' like. If that is a 'walk' around the block, well it's a walk. It has to be better than nothing. My next step is perhaps to have a break from the gym or go to a new one all together. I need to change something. But for now, I'll keep plodding along. One day at a time.

I did it!

Yep....I did it, the Mother's Day Classic that is! I was procrastinating Saturday night, hoping that my brother would text me early hours Sunday morning saying "Sorry can't do it", then I would have the perfect excuse...he let me down....I can't do it by myself. BUT...he didn't. He did it with me and I tell you I was so proud of myself for doing it.

I did the 4km walk and managed to do it in 28 minutes. I cut nearly 20 minutes off my 'normal' time. I felt so good. My brother is really into fitness at the moment. He can run 5kms in 20 minutes. He stood by me, we had a little jog, I was in excruciating pain with my knee....my hip hurt and I felt like I was getting blisters, but I still struggled on and I did it! My brother was pretty happy with me. I felt so good afterwards. I had a 2 hour drive down to see my Mum and my Nana, but I really felt the best part of the day was doing the walk. Not only for me, but as I said on my tribute card "For all women and all Mothers".

My eating has been great since yesterday. I'm planning to exercise tomorrow and today I walked 4 blocks just to post a letter. Something is changing.....I think. I think Danni's mojo is slowly returning. To tell you the truth I've missed it. To all those fantastic people that encouraged me to get out there and exercise....you are so right....it does make you feel better. I want to keep doing it. Even if it's not 'normal' exercise at the gym. It all adds up.

I will post some photoes once I have them from my brother. In the meantime I'm thinking of you all.

What's the purpose?

I follow quite a few blogs / websites of people that inspire me, support me, love me and care for me....for who I am.

One blog / website really hit me tonight. It asked me (well us) a question, What's the purpose? What's the purpose of the protective barrier you've put around yourself? I have written this down and thought and thought and thought about this question....and to tell you the truth, I have a million reasons why I put this protective barrier around me (my weight).

You get to a point in your life and you wonder what is your purpose? Where is my life going? Why have I being put on this Earth? What is my path? My direction? Can't answer any of these questions at the moment. Trying to discover who I am and spiritually I feel like I'm slowly making some progress, again thanks to supportive, loving and non judgemental people I have found this process a lot easier than I thought it would be. So thank you.

Trying to get on with life and embrace each day as it comes. To tell you the truth I'm tired! I'm exhausted! I'm drained! But....I'm not giving up. Trying to figure out what I need to do to get back to feeling better about myself and where my path leads. I have every reason in the world to keep this protective barrier around me, but it is not helping anyone, least of all myself. So instead I'm going to keep persevering with ww and see how I go.

As for gym......I think half the problem is people saw how well I was doing and made so many compliments and comments about how I'll be 'skinny' and 'thin' in no time. I think I got scared. So decided it was best to avoid these people at all costs....therefore gym has been going down the gurgler.

So instead going to set a goal of going to gym once this week. Even for a pump session or RPM. Something different. I have a membership to two Community Gyms. They are both closely linked in to each other, so have decided that I'll use the one I don't usually. Just until I get some more confidence and feel like I'm able to face those people with my head held high. Until then, my goal is going to continue to be one day a week at the gym. The only person that can do this is me.

I just have one question....Why does it have to be so bloody hard?

So much for exercise!!!

I've registered for the Mother's Day Classic....and yes I promised myself that by the time next week came I would be able to do this 4km walk with no problem in the world....why? Because I was going to 'train' for it. Get myself back to the exercise and in a better fitness situation than I am now.

So how much exercise have I done? Absolutely none! Well not officially 'none', but 'none' according to my gym swipe card. I've got huge issues with going to the gym......yet I don't know what they are. Something is causing me to procrastinate about going. Yes getting there is the hardest part, but I feel so exhausted that I just can't really seem to move out the front door and if I do it is because I have to do something else (other than exercise).

Things are not obviously going the way I would like them to go. Tonight I had a binge episode at my sisters house. 3 small packet of chips (6 points) and several small easter eggs later I felt sick and wondered why on earth I had this 'food' when I didn't need it. I wasn't hungry. I'd had a nutritious dinner, yet was not strong enough to say 'no' to the chips and chocolate. Not sure if being out of control is due to TTOM, craving lots of sweet things and eating is a bit out of control. This is why I don't have these foods at my house. If I did, I'm sure I'd be out of control. On top of all this am considering giving up gym membership and even stopping ww meetings. Why? Not sure if my head is making up any excuse not to be accountable. Having thoughts like "Oh well, nothing has changed in a few months and you are weighing in and not getting results and not using the gym, so might as well give it all up". Am I going to....not yet! I know my mind would win if I gave into it. My body certainly would be in a lot worse shape. So told my mind to give me a break for a 'month' and I'll re-evaluate it mid May.

Last few days have been fairly positive (work). So just keep telling myself that regardless of my high expectations and wanting everything in my life to go perfectly at once.....IT IS UNREALISTIC!

In the meantime will focus on keeping tracking, trying to get some exercise in and persevering with getting to ww meetings.

I'll keep you posted. Need to do something before this Mother's Day Classic, otherwise fearful I won't even go! And what would the point of that be? The only person I'd fail is ME! Not giving up just yet!