The path......

Feel like it's been too long since I've blogged, unfortunately.

It has been a pretty hectic August and September so far. This week has been somehow extra stressful and has taken a bit of a huge emotional toll on me. So much so that I seem to 'think' I deserve everything that is on my 'sometimes' or 'rarely' list to eat. Like cake, chips, chocolate....take away, etc, etc. I could go on all day. As a result I have put on 7.5 kgs. I want to get back to what I was. Seems so close, yet so far away.

Regardless of my out of control eating and emotional eating I think there are some good reasons or on reflecting at least some half good excuses? to my overeating? My friend died. Suddenly, unexpectedly and so unfairly (as is always the case!). However I have comfort that is was very quick and whilst it was unexpected with how quick it was I can assume it was pretty painless (I'm hanging onto that at the moment!). Makes me realise how people come into your life for a reason, it might be a long time, a short time or a once off, but they still come into your life for a reason. I think Karin's reason was to give me strength, courage and most of all know that we are never alone no matter how alone we feel. I miss you already, so much Karin. R.I.P Karin. xoxo

The other difficult but more bearable day was Father's Day. It was difficult more so because the family got together, ate pizza, brothers and sisters fought and nothing was mentioned about Dad at all. I had my 'own' little time for him during the day by myself on reflection. I miss him so very much. Next year for Father's Day think I'll do something special that will remind me even more so of my Dad. Go somewhere we use to go together or something like that. I also wonder if time really does heal your pain? I'm hoping so.

So there has been a bit going on. On the upnote I'm going to Sydney in 6 days for 5 days. I'm looking forward to the break before I start the 'new' job. I know I need it. I know I want it. Isn't it amazing how when you are going away you start to think "bugger, why couldn't I have been 10 kgs lighter" or "bugger, why couldn't I have been the weight I wanted to be at". Oh well.....on the upside....at least I'm still here to have those thoughts. At least I'm still here to complain, whinge, cry, laugh and sigh. I'm still here.

I'll keep persevering. I know I will. The path ahead might look bumpy, unbearable and might continue to feel like it's never going to come up, but just when you feel overwhelmed by the thrashing waves, the tide turns. I know it will get better. No matter how bumpy the path gets....I won't stop walking it!

Where have I been?

Where have I been???

Busy....so it seems.

It's been a while since I've blogged and I feel like it's the time now that I really need to. Lots of different emotions going on. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster ride, one minute I'm on a high, the next I feel like I've hit rock bottom. But.....I'm still hanging on tight and not letting go and taking the good with the bad.

The Good:

1. I got a new job starting mid September on a new Unit at the hospital I work at.
2. I'm doing a short course to help discover my spirituality a bit more and enjoying meeting new people and learning more about the important people in my life.
3. I joined Fernwood.........back to exercisinga and being accountable.
4. My beautiful best friend is pregnant.
5. I'm going to the Gold Coast (almost definitely) in September.
6. I bought a Wii.
7. I got a blog award from my dear friend Trish.

The not so Good:

1. My sister refused the Pink ticket I gave her for her birthday and gave me back the ipod I also bought her. I was shattered. I didn't end up going to Pink, but was able to get my money back on the tickets and wait to see if she changes her mind about the ipod (ticket money helped pay for my wii).
2. I'm not very motivated in going to Fernwood....however, I know it's only me that can change this.
3. I've put on a total of 8 kgs......but I'm going to work my bootie off to get to under 100 kgs.
4. My beautiful friend who is pregnant is going to live in New Zealand with her husband.....I feel loss....but so much pride and love as well.

Otherwise just been busy with everything else that is going on. Working a little bit more and trying to focus on planning my food and my exercise. However even though I write my 'exercise times' in my diary, can't seem to stick to them. Anyone have any tips? Not sure why I struggle with this so much.

I also feel honoured to receive a blog award. So going to nominate some people who have inspired me, motivated me, been patient, caring, kind and understanding. Thank you.

(not sure how to link the names to blogs, but will try later).

Trish - for being understanding, patient and caring. I'd be lost without your words of encouragement and motivation. Thank you.

Kathie- for being caring, kind, loving and understanding. And for answering any questions I fire at you with honesty and love. Thank you.

Nat - for your inspirational blog and for saying something that may seem brief and simple, but has an everlasting heartfelt affect on me. Thank you

Kellie- for inspiring me and for encouraging me and most of all for understanding me. For not giving up on me. Thank you.

Jo - for being so down to earth, fun and easy going, but at the same time so caring. Thank you

Shazz - for being interested in how I'm going and for supporting me with the emails you send me. They mean a lot. Thank you.

Tina - for being so kind and understanding and for being so heartfelt and compassionate in my times of difficulty. Thank you

Sam - for being supportive and encouraging and popping up (by email or facebook) at exactly the right time when I need encouragement. Thank you

Sue - for being interested in what is going on with me, but for being understanding and although we don't have a lot of contact, you certainly put a smile on my face when I read your emails. Thank you.

You all inspire me and help keep me going. You all touch my heart in a different but beautiful way. Thank you.

Path of destruction!

Wasn't a great night tonight. Went shopping and found an hour later I had consumed a 100 gram packet of chips, 6 mini mud muffins, 3 teddy bear biscuits and nearly a whole 1.25 litre bottle of diet coke.

WHY??? Why you ask? I have been suffering from terrible headaches and fatigue that I've never experienced before. To the point of having 10-12 hour sleeps and then after being up and hour or two feeling like I need to lie down again. It has been terrible. After discussion with a friend (a nurse also), it was thought that I had really serious withdrawal symptoms because I'd gone from 1-2 litres of diet coke to absolutely zip! My friend suggested perhaps cutting down a bit slower. So I thought, what the heck, I'll go get some diet coke and get rid of these headaches once and for all.

Thing is.....realised that I've just had a major binge and my body certainly is not thanking me for it. Today I weighed in at 130.4 kgs. Which means I've put on 7kgs. So something is going wrong with my eating. I wondered whether my binge tonight was self sabotage of 'Oh well, I've put on weight, what the heck!'.

Think I'll have to get back to ww meetings. I'm going to get back to basics. I have not had chips and 'mud cake' in so long that perhaps I was feeling deprived, maybe that is why I binged......however there is no excuse. The damage is down now. I have to live with it, move on and get back to getting into shape.

A new day, a new beginning.

Buggered, Battered and Bring it on!

It's been an exhausting weekend. I've had to work night duty at work, which obviously puts my body clock way out of being in the 'normal' range. Today has marked reaching over the 1 week mark of having no diet coke. Instead I'm drinking lots of diet mineral water, water and tea. Seem to be coping. Still feel I need something 'sweet', but cravings are no where near as bad as they were, so thinking diet coke had something to play in that.

I'm addicted to muesli bars at the moment. Don't know hot to get off them or to get ones that are a good substitute. Weight watchers has recommended that go for soup or something 'filling' instead of museli bars, but I'm finding that difficult. Thinking maybe a muesli weight watchers slice is the way to go and might be a bit better than 1.5-3 point musli bars.

I'm starting to get in the habit of wanting to eat 'healthier'. I got up after sleeping 4 hours from my night duty today and after going to do some shopping felt like I was about to faint. Every fast food shop that passed I was looking at thinking what could I have to stop me feeling nauseated and to fix my energy level....but I didn't go in. Instead had a fun size milky way, picked nephew up from school and made a salad sandwich followed by an apple. Was quite surprised and 'proud' of myself. Don't remember really ever doing this. Something to feel good about.

My house has no chips,no biscuits, no ice cream, a few fun size frozen milky ways and no musli bars. It feels alright too, however am going to persevere with finding a good alternative to musli bars. Why do I love them so much? Don't really know.

Fernwood went well last week. Did a weight session last Friday and am still sore from it. It's good though. Made me realise how much I miss it, so will persevere with going. Got to get back into it. Fernwood scales and Wii scales showed I'd put on 5 kgs, not sure if it had something to do with TTOM or something else. But keep persevering and I know I'll get there.

In the meantime taking it one day at a time. The diet coke demon is still around, but it's getting smaller and disappearing a bit more which is great. I know still might be tough, but I'm getting there. One day at a time.